a naked day at the races, film (4th page)
EXT DO SEAGULS ROOT DAY
Frank and Bart walk pastveteran army buddies, ARTHUR 95(Course Broadcaster)
and long-time mate BASIL 94, both wearing 2nd world war army uniforms and hats,
sitting on the grass next to each other; knees up, both DRINKING from a
large bottle of beer and holding slices of bread in their hands.
BART
Ready for another great Cup call ARTHUR?
ARTHUR (Looks up at BART)
I sure ‘em BART.
(Bart and Frank walk past)
BASIL (Throws some bread scraps)
So what number GOBBLE GOBBLE Cup
calls will this be for you ARTHUR?
ARTHUR
Beats me, must be nearly 50 now
except for the years we spent in
the Great War together fighting in France.
(PAUSE)
(Nodding his head and pointing with his bottle in his hand)
Have a look at those work men taking it easy
Cut to
EXT 3 WORKMEN LEANING ON THEIR SPADES
Cut to
EXT BACK TO ARTHUR AND BASIL DAY
Throwing bread scraps.
BASIL
Yeh! ARTHUR, I bet they have no balls
mate, not like us when we were in the
stuck in the trenches in France for weeks
on end with enemy artillery and gun fire
flying over our fucking heads.
ARTHUR
Those were the day’s mate, when men
were REAL men!
BASIL (Nodding his head)
I’ll drink to that mate!
(They take a drink of beer and throw some bread)
Cut to
EXT FLOCK OF SEAGULLS DAY
A flock of 20 seagulls are scavenging bread scraps on the grass.
Cut to
EXT 10 SEAGULLS DAY
BASIL (Points with his bottle)
‘Ave a damn look at those seagulls.
You know what ARTHUR?
It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, once
you start eating fish and chips what do you have next
minute annoying the shit out of you?
ARTHUR
Hundreds of fucking seagulls!
BASIL
That’s right, seagulls everywhere;
Q Squawk, Squawk! Squawk! “Give me your food,
give me your food!”
The bastards never let up!
ARTHUR (Nodding)
That’s’ right, you know a bloke could climb Mt Everest
and, as he takes the last step to the top of the world,
what is there to meet him?
BASIL
Squawking seagulls wanting your lunch!
(PAUSE: In the background 2 Seagulls [people dressed up in seagull costumes]
start running around, chasing each other.
BASIL
Do you know what ARTHUR?
ARTHUR
No BASIL, what?
BASIL
I’ve never seen seagulls have a root!
It’s like; they know how to multiply without rooting!
ARTHUR
Nobody BASIL has ever seen seagulls have a root!
(In the background two seagull [costumes] are having sex)
BASIL (Throws more scraps)
I certainly haven’t!
` And you never see baby seagulls?
Every one of them is the same fucking size,
have a look! (Pointing his bottle)
Maybe they just log into to E-Bay and “Hey, let’s
buy a baby today so we don’t have to root!”
Cut to
EXT SQUARKING SEAGULS DAY
20 SQUARKING seagulls on the lawn eating bread scraps.
Cut to
EXT 3 SEAGULS IN BACKGROUND DAY
3 baby seagulls in costumes are running round behind Arthur and Basil.
BASIL (takes a drink of his beer)
The rest of the world has tiny babies;
we have baby kids, there’s baby chickens, baby lions,
baby horses, baby cats.
Oooh no! Not our squawking seagulls, they don’t have babies,
just one flock of fuckin grown up birds!
These seagulls are a real threat to the very
existence of the human race.
Mark my words ARTHUR, be WARNED!
ARTHUR
They may even rule the world one day BASIL!
(They take another drink from their bottles).
BASIL
And dying, have you ever seen just one fucking
dead seagull?
ARTHUR (Shaking his head)
Nope, never!
(Behind Arthur and Basil one of the adult seagulls
holds his heart, circles and falls down, dead)
BASIL
It’s like they live for ever and ever!
Tell me, do old, degenerate Mr and Mrs Seagull look at each other
and say, “Hey honey; I feel like shit today, let’s fly 100,000 miles
to our island in the Pacific and we can both drop dead
together holding each other’s wings!”
(In the background, one dead seagull down, the other seagull has a
shovel digs a grave; 3 baby seagulls, head down are throwing pieces
of bread scraps on the dead seagull. A seagull priest holds a bible.).
ARTHUR
You’re probably right about that BASIL,
it sounds logical to me.
BASIL
Bastards; and they don’t even root!
ARTHUR
(FADE IN: Looking at BASIL, smiles with a flutter of his eye lids.)
Not like you and me dear!
(Arthur smiles and faces Basil; takes out his dentures,
they embrace and have a passionate tongue kiss)
(PAUSE)
ARTHUR (Rubbing his groin)
My balls are getting itchy BASIL!
BASIL
That’s because they are rubbing
between your ankles.
(They have a drink from their bottles)
Cut to
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