(With a cheeky smile and gently pushing Frank backwards in the chest with both hands)
You still haven’t lost those great wondering hands of yours, have you Frank?
So how have you been?
Good and great to see you again BARBER!
Your body looks amazingly terrific and very sexy!
So how long has it been now since we were together?
BARBER (Finger to chin)
Let me see now?
You last seduced me on May 20th, 5 years ago at 11.06am after we shared a
hot dog lunch at a cheap road side food van.
Not that I remember for one minute how MUCH you said you loved me and wanted
me to cook, clean, wash, iron, mow the lawns and detail your car for you for ever and ever.
FRANK (FADE IN)
BARBER, you are the best house keeper I have ever known forgetting my great sex!
And your breast, what about those great breast; they haven’t changed an inch!
I always loved you BARBER, but my greedy ambitions to be filthy rich and famous and surrounded with beautiful, gorgeous women took complete control of my life at the time.
Know I realise I was wrong because you were the best woman a man could ever want!
(Dropping his head, hands in pockets, kicking the dirt)
Tell me BARBER, you’re not on heat are you?
(A long pause, no answer)
So, what have you been up to?
EXT BARBER REMEMBERS WEDDING DAY
BARBER (Frustrated, angry)
After you dumped me, I was so sexually frustrated, 1 hour later I met and married MALA DA’ ESKIMO, a very handsome missionary priest from Peru.
We went to the fucking creditably cold North Pole for our honeymoon, because he said it was next to Peru.
He said he was looking for a tribe called the lost Incas for his family research.
So what happened?
BARBER (In tears)
FADE IN: Image goes fuzzy and wavy as Barber remembers back to her wedding night)
EXT THE HONEYMOON NIGHT
Thick snow falling: Barber wears a furry coat and MALA DA’ESKIMO (35), tall, long black hair, furry coat on.
Mala drives a sleigh, whipping the dogs, with Barber sitting in it rugged up, stops in front of an igloo with neon signs flashing “Honey Moon Suite for Mrs and Mrs DA’ESKIMOS”
Mala HELPS Barber out of the sleighs and carries her in his arms into the honeymoon igloo.
INT INSIDE THE IGLOO NIGHT
Inside the igloo there’s a long heated swimming pool, kitchen, king size bed, lounge room, pool table, interior decorations, helicopter, boat and videos of dancing music.
Mala lowers Barber down onto the bed. He takes off his fur coat displaying traditional Peru clothing (PERU MUSIC).
They kiss and cuddle and make love under the large white bear skin rug.
BARBER (Lamp light)
That was so wonderful MALA.
I always knew you were the right man of many men for me.
Me to darling and now we are married.
And now I also own an International Passport!
(Holding and waving his passport)
In the morning we will start searching for my long lost native tribe of the Incas we have come to find.
(They give each other a kiss and Barber reaches over and turns off the lamp light beside her bed.)
INT DARKNESS NIGHT
BARBER (Voice over)
MALA, are you there darling?
(Barber turns on the light and Mala is missing from her bed. She climbs up, puts on a fur coat and walks out the igloo).
EXT LOOKING FOR MALA DAY
Barber calls out as walking in a snow blizzard.
MALA! Where are you my husband?
(Barber shields her eyes from the snow. In a haze, Barber see’s Mala cuddling a lady wearing only a red bikini.)
EXT BARBER CALLS OUT TO MALA DAY
Cupping her hands to her mouth.
MALA is that you?
What is happening dearest?
EXT MALA DRIVE SLEIGH DAY
The bikini lady gets in the sleigh as Mala prepares to drive off.
Ha Ha Ha!
I am not from Peru BARBER!
I am Eskimo and this is my 12th wife!
We are running away.
EXT BARBER ASK WHY DAY
Walks chest deep through the snow
But, why MALA … why?
I thought you loved me!
EXT MALA CALLS DAY
Mala stands on the back of the sleigh.
MALA (Calls out)
BARBER, I never loved you
I only wanted citizenship so I can go to the super bowl and FA Cup!
I just love your football, you have to understand BARBER.
EXT BARBER STANDS IN SNOW DAY
Barber stands chest deep in snow.
I understand MALA, men with big balls, have big ideas
(Scene goes fuzzy, wavering again, clears back to Frank)
MALA left me FRANK, he was not from Peru, but was from Eskimo and only married me so he could go to the big football games.
I was his 11th wife!
Oh, FRANK I am so unlucky in love!
(Barber takes out Mala’s boxer shorts from her hand bag)
I only have these left from our wedding night to remember him.
(Printed red and white shorts: “To my 11th wife”, puts them back in her bag)
EXT FRANK AND MALA DA’ESKIMO DAY
FADE IN: Scratches the side of his face.
FRANK (Cuddling BARBER)
MALA DA’ESKIMO from Peru?
Oooh, poor BARBER, how could you be so naive?
(Frank leans over and smells inside Barber’s hand bag, turns and vomits, gathers himself)
Mr James Conway CEO 28.8
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